Embracing Changes

Have you noticed how we’re always craving changes? A new hairstyle, a new trend, a new favorite spot, and so forth. So why can’t we embrace natural changes the same way we embrace and accept the ones we’ve chosen?

I’ve always felt like I was the different one in my family, at school, in my hometown. And that always made me proud. I didn’t want to be like everyone. I didn’t want to feel bored of my own self. That realization made me start experimenting with my appearance from a young age. From my hair to the way I dressed.

Going to a fashion school encouraged me to embrace my own weirdness. I really started craving to be different, to feel even more different. Looking back, I sometimes get embarrassed by some of my outfits or hairstyles, but honestly, I wouldn’t change a thing if I could. Perhaps I was trying too hard, but that led me on an interesting path of self-discovery.

Moving to New York City was definitely a game changer in terms of style, not only because of all the exposure I had to the fashion world, but also because for the first time I saw myself dressing without having to worry about judgement from others. That’s pretty hard when you live in a small-ish city. In New York, you get the chance to do anything you want like nobody's watching and that’s fucking freeing experience.

For the first time in life I started feeling like my true self. I also had more money in my hands than I knew what to do with (sorry, dad!). Nonetheless, I felt more confident and powerful than ever, and you could see that reflected on the way I looked.

Fast forward to a few years later, I saw all that confidence slip through my fingers after I moved to San Diego, California.

I had to get rid of 70% of my wardrobe, because my boyfriend and I decided to make the move from East to West Coast on a really tiny budget. There’s also the fact that I constantly blamed the new city for my lack of inspiration - which is, in part, true - and that added to stress, near depression and very frequent anxiety crises helped me to gain over 20 pounds. A pretty strong punch in the gut on someone who - for a long time - has secretly struggled with eating disorders and a pretty fucked up fear of gaining weight.

A new era of leggings, sneakers and t-shirts all day, every day had started. Low self-esteem also drove me away from social media for a while, which is probably a good thing.

It wasn’t until I started writing this blog that I realized it’s really up to me to be happy in my own skin, and that as the chameleon I consider myself to be, I should embrace this change like I did with all of the previous ones. And while I do still want to lose weight, because I want to feel healthier, I decided to stop penalizing myself for not being 110lbs or a size 2/4 anymore, and started loving my new curves instead.  

I still keep a few of my favorite old clothes, even though they don’t fit me anymore. But for the rest of the stuff that couldn’t even pass through my legs, I decided to get rid of them, because I finally realized that no piece of clothing is worth sobbing in front of the mirror and hating yourself because you can’t button/zip it up.

I finally understood the healing powers of self-love and now I can happily tell you I stopped caring so much about being a size 2 or 12, because I know that no matter what, I’ll still rock my outfits with the same passion and excitement.